DBT Skills for ADHD Relationship
By 4 min read

Navigating relationships as a neurodivergent adult can be challenging. Clear communication is essential for reducing misunderstandings and fostering connection. Using DBT skills like DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST can improve communication and help you maintain a healthy relationship.

Communication Issues with ADHD

ADHD can complicate communication in relationships. People with ADHD may struggle with impulsivity, interrupting others, or losing focus during conversations. This can lead to misunderstandings or feelings of being unheard. Additionally, ADHD-related forgetfulness can cause missed appointments or unreturned messages, frustrating both parties.

It’s important to acknowledge these challenges openly with your partner, friends, or family and work together on strategies to improve communication.

Moreover, setting up systems like reminders or using active listening techniques can help. Let others know that it’s not intentional when your mind wanders or if you interrupt. By using DBT skills like mindfulness (staying present in the conversation) and FAST (being fair to yourself and others), you can reduce these communication barriers and create more meaningful, respectful interactions.

Use DEAR MAN to Express Your Needs

DEAR MAN (Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate) helps you express your needs clearly and respectfully. Start by describing the situation without judgment, then express your feelings and needs. Assert yourself by stating what you want directly, and reinforce your request by explaining how it benefits both of you. Stay mindful of your goal, appear confident, and be willing to negotiate.

For example, if a friend often interrupts you, you could say:

“I’ve notice that when I’m speaking, you tend to interrupt (Describe). I feel frustrated when I can’t finish my thoughts (Express). I need space to complete my ideas (Assert). It’ll help me feel heard, which will strengthen our connection (Reinforce).”

Use GIVE to Build and Maintain Relationships

The GIVE (Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy manner) skill ensures your approach to communication strengthens relationships. Be gentle in your delivery, show interest in the other person’s thoughts, and validate their feelings. An easy manner, like using humor or a relaxed tone, keeps the conversation light and friendly.

When discussing sensitive topics, GIVE helps others feel valued. For instance, if your partner shares something difficult, respond with kindness and validation:

“I can see why that would be hard for you (Validate). I’m really interested in hearing more (Interested).”

Use FAST to Maintain Your Self-Respect

The FAST (Fair, Apologies, Stick to values, Truthful) skill ensures that while communicating, you maintain your self-respect. Be fair to yourself and the other person, avoid unnecessary apologies, and stick to your values. Always be truthful, even if it’s uncomfortable.

If someone asks you to do something against your values, FAST can guide your response. You might say:

“I understand why you’re asking (Fair), and I can’t agree to this (Stick to values). It doesn’t feel right for me (Truthful).”

Example

Alex has ADHD and often forgets to check in with their partner, Taylor, about their plans. Taylor feels frustrated because they don’t feel included in important decisions. Alex wants to address this using DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST skills.

Alex (DEAR MAN):
“Hey Taylor, I noticed that I haven’t been great at keeping you updated on my plans (Describe). I imagine it’s frustrating when you’re left out of the loop (Express). Moving forward, I’d like to work on communicating better about my schedule (Assert). It would help us feel more connected and reduce misunderstandings (Reinforce).”

Taylor:
“Yeah, I’ve been feeling a bit overlooked, honestly.”

Alex (GIVE):
“I can see how that would be hard (Validate), and I’m really listening because I want us to improve this (Interested). I value your input and want to make sure you’re in the know (Gentle).”

Taylor:
“I appreciate you saying that.”

Alex (FAST):
“Thanks for understanding. I’ll set reminders so I don’t forget. And I’ll stick to updating you regularly (Truthful). I don’t want to make excuses, but sometimes ADHD makes it hard to stay on top of everything (Stick to values). I’m really committed to improving this without overwhelming myself, though (Fair).”

Taylor:
“That sounds fair. We can work on this together.”

Alex:
“Thanks for your patience. We’ll figure this out (Reinforce)”

This conversation shows how Alex uses DBT skills to express their needs, validate Taylor’s feelings, and maintain their own self-respect. It models how to manage ADHD-related challenges while communicating effectively.

Final Thoughts

Lastly, managing relationships as a neurodivergent adult requires effective communication and mutual understanding. By using DBT skills like DEAR MAN, GIVE, and FAST, you can express your needs, strengthen connections, and maintain self-respect. These tools will help you reduce misunderstandings and foster healthier relationships.

If you feel like your ADHD is impacting your relationships and need additional support, reach out to me to see how I can help!

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Ashley Allen, PsyD, Virtual Therapist

Ashley M. Allen, PsyD is a Colorado-based licensed clinical psychologist who sees clients virtually nationwide through PSYPACT. Dr. Allen specializes in LGBTQ+, alternative lifestyles, emotional disorders, ADHD, BPD and chronic illness. Stay tuned to her blog for tips on mental wellness.

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