Navigating the Pain of Grief and Loss

Grief is a universal experience. At some point in life, we all encounter loss, yet when it arrives, it feels singular and isolating. In my life, grief has knocked on my door several times with unexpected force: first in 2011, with the sudden death of my mother-in-law, and again in 2022, when I lost a close friend.

The Suddenness of Loss

In 2011, I lost my mother-in-law without warning. One day she was there, vibrant and full of life, and the next, she was gone. There was no time to prepare emotionally. It felt like a rug was pulled from under our feet. Then, in 2022, grief revisited when my close friend passed away unexpectedly. This loss echoed many of the same emotions: shock, sorrow, and acute grief. Both of these losses felt surreal, like being trapped in a nightmare that I couldn’t wake up from.

Sudden death robs us of the opportunity to say goodbye or to brace ourselves for the inevitable. It feels as though time has stopped, and in those moments, the weight of grief becomes all-consuming.

There’s no space for anything else. The metaphor of grief being like a large rock in a small jar accurately captures how I felt in both situations. When grief is fresh, it fills up every part of our lives, leaving no room for anything else—no room for joy, laughter, or even the simplest of daily tasks.

The Isolation of Grief

Grief, especially in its early stages, can be profoundly isolating. After both losses, I found myself feeling detached from those around me. The world kept moving while I was stuck in a fog, struggling to make sense of my pain. This was true even while friends and family struggled alongside me. This sense of isolation is common in grief. People may not know what to say or may avoid the subject altogether, leaving the grieving person feeling even more alone.

Research confirms the isolating nature of grief. Studies show that grief can lead to social withdrawal and feelings of disconnection from others.

We might feel like no one understands our pain, or worse, we might feel like a burden for expressing it. Over time, these feelings can compound, making it even harder to reach out for support.

The Rock and the Jar: A Metaphor for Grief

The metaphor of grief as a rock in a jar resonates deeply with me. When we experience a loss, it feels as though a massive rock has been placed into our lives, and there is little to no space for anything else. It’s profoundly heavy and all consuming, impacting every area of your life. This rock dominates everything. Every thought, every moment, every action revolves around this immense weight. The jar—representing our life—feels too small to contain this grief, and it can be suffocating.

However, over time, with healthy processing and support, the jar begins to grow. It’s not that the grief diminishes, but rather, our capacity to hold it expands. We start to make room for other “rocks” in our life—meaningful connections, new experiences, and moments of joy. The grief is still there, still heavy, but it no longer takes up all the space.

This growth process takes time, and it’s important to acknowledge that grief never fully disappears. Instead, we learn to live alongside it.

The Importance of Community

One of the most crucial elements in my journey with grief was the role of community. In both instances, I initially felt isolated. Yet, it was through connecting with others that I began to heal. Volunteering and contributing also helped. Research consistently shows that social support is one of the most important factors in coping with grief. Whether it’s family, friends, or grief support groups, having people who listen and validate our emotions can make a world of difference. For me, this was also

Grieving in isolation often amplifies the pain. It’s easy to get trapped in negative thought patterns or feel like we’re the only ones who understand the depth of our loss.

Being with others—especially those who have experienced similar losses—reminds us that we are not alone. Sharing stories, memories, and even the silence of mutual understanding can be profoundly healing.

However, for atheists or those who do not believe in an afterlife, the experience of grief can feel especially challenging. The absence of belief in a continued existence after death can make loss feel even more final and devastating. When my close friend passed away in 2022, I found myself grappling with the stark reality that they were simply gone. Without the comfort of imagining them in a peaceful afterlife, the weight of their absence felt even heavier. Research suggests that individuals without religious or spiritual beliefs may struggle more with the finality of death, as they may lack the frameworks that provide meaning or comfort for others. Aaron Freemon said something beautiful about death on an NPR podcast once. I find myself often reading it to clients who have experienced grief.

The Role of Spiritual Beliefs in Grief

For those who do hold spiritual or religious beliefs, faith can provide immense comfort during the grieving process. Many religious traditions offer rituals, prayers, and practices that help individuals process loss. Believing that a loved one is in a better place or that their spirit continues in some form can offer solace. In fact, studies show that people who engage in spiritual practices often report lower levels of anxiety and depression during the grieving process. These beliefs can provide a sense of connection to something larger than oneself, helping to contextualize the pain of loss. For those who find comfort in prayer, meditation, or ceremonies, these practices can serve as anchors during the tumultuous storm of loss.

Grief Rituals

Rituals can be powerful tools for processing grief, whether they are spiritual or secular. Creating a ritual to honor a lost loved one can provide structure and a sense of closure. Lighting a candle, visiting a special place, or creating a memory box are all ways to acknowledge the ongoing presence of the deceased in our lives.

For me, small rituals have helped. After my mother-in-law’s death, my partner and I created a memorial space in our home This living symbol of her legacy brought us comfort and served as a tangible reminder of her impact on our lives. Similarly, after my friend’s passing in 2022, I did the same – created a memorial space. It took me about a year to be able to do this, and now the memories of the photos bring a smile to my face.

Mental Health Treatment

Beyond rituals, there are evidence-based strategies for managing grief. The first is therapy. Finding a therapist that can help you cope with your loss. Work on changing thoughts that perpetuate suffering. For example, “I should have done more,” or “I wish I had done things differently.” A therapist can help with acceptance of the loss and help slowly rebuild your life, whenever you feel ready. I’ve conducted many grief focus sessions where we just talked about the loved one, looked at pictures, and discussed memories – the good and the bad.

Other experts suggest that signs of resourcefulness, such as the expression of positive emotion and the ability to find meaning in the loss, may be better predictors of long-term outcome. “There’s a great deal of good that can come from finding the silver lining in loss and from fully experiencing the process” of grieving, says Neimeyer. “The bereaved can be far more empowered than we’ve previously believed.”

At the conference I recently attended, David Kessler was a keynote speaker. He said that making meaning of grief is something that takes time, and it can provide a “cushion” for the grief, which I wholeheartedly agree with.

For individuals experiencing Complicated Grief, an evidence-based approach called Complicated Grief Therapy (CGT) can help. CGT focuses on supporting acceptance of the loss while helping the bereaved adjust to life without their loved one. The therapy is structured around seven key themes: understanding and accepting grief, managing painful emotions, planning for a meaningful future, strengthening relationships, telling the story of the death, learning to live with reminders, and creating a lasting connection to the deceased through memories.

If you are in need of support for the loss of a loved one, please contact me to see how I can help.

Other Strategies to Cope with Grief

One such strategy is journaling, which has been shown to help individuals process their emotions by providing an outlet for expression. Writing down our thoughts and feelings allows us to make sense of the chaos that grief often brings. It’s also a way to track our progress over time, as we move from the intense pain of early grief to a more manageable form of sorrow.

Finding a support group can also be helpful. To be around other’s who are have experienced loss can make a huge difference. Grief feels a little less heavy when we don’t have to carry it alone.

Another useful strategy is mindfulness meditation. Mindfulness teaches us to be present with our emotions without judgment. Instead of trying to push away the pain, we learn to sit with it, observing it as it is. This can help reduce the intensity of emotions like sadness and anger, allowing us to approach grief with greater acceptance.

Finally, engaging in physical activity can be a powerful way to cope with grief. Studies have found that exercise can improve mood and reduce symptoms of depression in grieving individuals  Movement helps release endorphins, which can counterbalance the heavy feelings that often accompany grief. Whether it’s a walk in nature, yoga, or another form of exercise, physical activity can offer both a mental and emotional release.

Yet, I know if anyone told me to exercise during the  acute stages of grieving, I would have laughed at them.

If exercise or moving your body feels too much, try developing routines. Eat regular meals, make sure you are getting enough sleep. Take your medications as prescribed. Be patient with yourself, and try not to make any impulsive decisions.

My own therapist recently reminded me of the five remembrances. They are Buddhist concepts, but can be helpful regardless of your spiritual beliefs.

1. I am of the nature to grow old. There is no way to escape growing old.
2. I am of the nature to have ill health. There is no way to escape having ill health.
3. I am of the nature to die. There is no way to escape death.
4. All that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape separation from them.
5. My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand.

These reflections serve as a powerful reminder of life’s inevitable truths: aging, illness, death, and the impermanence of everything we love. No matter how much we wish we could hold on, we can’t escape growing older, getting sick, or eventually dying. Similarly, everyone and everything dear to us will change or be separated from us in time. In the midst of this, the only thing we truly own is our actions. How we live and the choices we make are what remain with us. They shape the path we walk and the impact we leave behind. It’s a call to live with purpose, knowing we can’t control life’s impermanence, but we can control how we respond to it.

Moving Forward with Grief

As time passes, the sharp edges of grief may soften, but the loss never truly goes away. It becomes a part of us, woven into the fabric of our lives and DNA. The metaphor of the rock in the jar reminds us that while grief remains, our capacity to hold it—and to hold life’s other joys and challenges—grows. For me, the deaths of my mother-in-law and close friend were profound losses that reshaped my understanding of life.

Their memories live on, not only in my heart but in the small rituals and actions I take to honor them.

Community, connection, and personal reflection have been my anchors through the storm of grief. Whether you are grieving the loss of a loved one or supporting someone who is, know that grief, though overwhelming, is a testament to love. With time, space, and support, the jar grows, and so does our ability to carry both the weight of loss and the light of life’s other joys. Grief may never fully go away, but we can learn to live with it, finding meaning and peace in its midst.

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