Money and the Holidays

Finding peace (and balance) where money, mental health, and the holidays collide.

Why the Holidays Can Feel So Complicated

The holidays have a funny way of stirring up joy and anxiety at the same time, especially when money is involved. We’re surrounded by images of perfect gatherings, expensive gifts, and effortless generosity, but behind the scenes, many of us are doing math on our phones, juggling guilt, or quietly panicking about credit card balances.

For some, the holidays are about connection and abundance. For others, they bring pressure, loneliness, or memories of past scarcity.

However you feel about this season, you’re not alone.

Before diving into some (hopefully) helpful practical tools, I’d like you to take a moment to reflect:

• When you think about money and the holidays, what emotions or thoughts come up for you?
• What messages about giving or generosity did you grow up with?
• How do those messages show up for you now?

These questions can help uncover the emotional narratives we carry about money, and how they shape our choices.

Common Holiday Stressors (and Why They Hit So Hard)

When it comes to money and mental health, I see these themes pop up over and over again in therapy during the holidays:

• Financial pressure: gifts, travel, events, and expectations can pile up fast.
• Guilt and shame: not spending “enough” or feeling like you’re letting people down.
• Loneliness or obligation: trying to buy belonging, or saying yes when you’re overextended.
• Moments of genuine joy: when spending does align with your values, like experiences, traditions, or giving from the heart.

If you recognize yourself in any of these, it’s not a character flaw, it’s conditioning! Capitalism shapes us to believe that love and worth is tied to spending. Family dynamics can make that even more complicated.

DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) teaches us to hold both truths at once: you can want connection and need to protect your emotional and financial health. The goal isn’t to avoid spending, it’s to spend wisely and intentionally, in ways that feel good long after the wrapping paper’s gone.

Wise Mind Spending

DBT uses the concept of Wise Mind, the balance between emotion mind (“I have to buy everyone a gift!”) and reasonable mind (“My budget can’t stretch that far”). Wise Mind spending asks:

“What choices align with both my emotional needs and my long-term wellbeing?”

Sometimes that means saying yes to something joyful even if it costs a little. Other times, it means setting a firm boundary, even if someone’s disappointed.

Exercise 1: Emotion-Aware Spending

This reflection helps you understand the emotions driving your financial choices:

1. List your anticipated holiday expenses: gifts, travel, food, events, décor, etc.
2. Next to each item, write the emotion or thought it evokes: joy, guilt, excitement, pressure, resentment.
3. Notice patterns: Which emotions drive your spending most?

Now ask yourself:

• Where could I adjust expectations?
• Which purchases bring genuine joy or connection?
• Which come from guilt, comparison, or fear of judgment?

You don’t have to judge the emotions, just notice them. Compassionate curiosity is the goal.

Values-Based Decision-Making

When your choices line up with your values, spending feels lighter, even if it’s significant.

Ask yourself:

• What really matters to me this season? Rest? Connection? Creativity? Simplicity?
• How can I give or connect in a way that reflects that?

If your value is connection, maybe it’s writing personal letters instead of buying gifts. If it’s generosity, maybe you donate your time or share a skill. Values make your choices meaningful instead of reactive. I am someone who really loves giving presents to loved ones and contributing is one of my biggest values. Therefore, I tend to overspend, but last year I started to make fudge to add a little something special and spend less. It was a big hit amongst my friends!

Radical Acceptance of What You Can’t Control

Sometimes, despite careful planning, things are still stressful. Flights cost more than you hoped. A loved one makes a guilt-trip comment. Someone else’s expectations are sky-high.

Radical acceptance means acknowledging reality without fighting it: “This is what it costs right now.” “My mom wishes I could come, but I can’t.” “It makes sense that I feel sad about this.”

Acceptance doesn’t mean you approve. It means you stop suffering twice: once from the situation and again from resisting it.

Exercise 2: Practicing Financial Boundaries (DEAR MAN)

The holidays often bring tricky money conversations, especially when boundaries are new. DBT’s DEAR MAN skill can help you express yourself assertively and calmly:

D – Describe: State the facts, without judgment.
E – Express: Share how you feel.
A – Assert: Clearly state what you need or are saying no to.
R – Reinforce: Explain why this matters or how it helps the relationship.
M – Mindful: Stay focused, don’t get pulled off track.
A – Appear Confident: Keep your tone steady, even if you’re anxious inside.
N – Negotiate: Be open to compromise when appropriate.

Here’s an example:

DEAR MAN: “Flying Home for the Holidays”

D – Describe:
“Mom, I know you really want me to come home for the holidays, and I’d love to see everyone too. I looked into flights, and they’re much higher than I can afford right now.”

E – Express:
“I feel stressed and guilty when I think about spending money I don’t have just to make everyone happy. I also feel disappointed, because I miss you all.”

A – Assert:
“I won’t be flying home this year. I need to prioritize my financial and mental health.”

R – Reinforce:
“I hope you can understand that this is about taking care of myself. If I stay within my budget, I’ll be able to visit in the spring when flights are cheaper, AND I’ll be able to really enjoy the trip instead of worrying about debt.”

M – Mindful (Ignore attacks, distractions):
“I get that you’re sad, and I’m sad too. But my decision is final this year.”

A – Appear Confident:
“I’ve thought a lot about this and feel confident this is the right call.”

N – Negotiate:
“I’d love to video call during dinner or open gifts together virtually. Maybe we could even plan something fun for when I visit later.”

That conversation might still sting, but using skills like this helps you express your needs without shame or defensiveness.

The more we practice these boundaries, the easier it gets to stay aligned with our values, even under pressure.

What Financial Self-Care Looks Like

Financial self-care isn’t just about budgeting, it’s about emotional regulation and self-respect. Some ideas:

• Create a spending plan that includes joy and limits.
• Pause before buying: take a few breaths, check your emotions, and ask, “What need am I trying to meet?”
• Practice gratitude: remind yourself what you already have and what truly matters.
• Challenge comparison: someone else’s spending doesn’t define your worth.
• Talk openly about money: shame shrinks when it’s spoken.

The holidays can magnify our financial stressors, but they also offer a chance to practice new skills, redefine what giving means, and move toward a more sustainable relationship with money.

Reflection Prompts

As you wrap up your own reflection (or use these for journaling):

• What’s one small, realistic intention I want to set for the holiday season?
• What do I want to experience more of that money can’t buy?
• How can I practice wise mind spending over the next few weeks?

Money is deeply emotional, especially during the holidays.

While we can’t always control prices, expectations, or family reactions, we can choose to honor our values, protect our peace, and define what giving truly means for us. Whether that looks like saying no to a trip, setting spending limits, or finding creative ways to connect, every boundary rooted in self-respect is a gift to both you and your relationships. However you spend (or don’t spend) this season, I hope it’s with intention, warmth, and a little more self-compassion.

If you are feeling overwhelmed by the holidays need some support, reach out to me for a 15 minute call to see how I can help.